A dear friend asked me why I always think about it and then say “no” when she goes through the work to find inexpensive items for me.
And the answer is I’m just barely keeping my head above water.
A lot of money right now is pouring into lifestyle changes anticipating disaster. Take your pick…
1. physical disaster (gun classes/practice, privacy film for windows),
2. financial disaster (have everything ready for when no more money is coming), or
3. technological disaster (my pii -Personally-Identifiable-Information – is leaked out into the world and my life is sabotaged). or, if I get really lucky, it could be all at once.😒
4. and that’s actually leaving off supply-chain disaster, when my necessary foods or meds are no longer available. That’s also stealing money away.
So besides not wanting to give yet more money to assholes who already have more money than god, and throw it around to get their way, there’s also security concerns with smart devices listening to you, and political pressure could cause 3 to become 2 or even 1.
That, and my usual quest for a healthier body and a time-management method that actually works for my ADD self (probably doesn’t exist), means a lot of my money just trickles away. Plus all regular stuff, too. I spent $25 and bought ebooks of old favorites so I can get rid of my paper copies. I spent $10 and bought a cute pair of pants to wear to easter with the pretty blouse I got at goodwill for $3.
Also, car insurance and maintenance. I should’ve had the shocks and timing chain replaced right after I got the car. but that’s gonna run me like $4000. And the money isn’t there. Once or twice I’ve hit zero debt but …it just trickles away, I’ve got all good intentions but I think I make like 5% too little, so it just creeps up until I’ve got a small mountain of debt again.
I talked to my therapist and she said I put too much pressure on myself. But there’s nobody else. If I don’t do the things, they don’t happen, everything from cleaning the toilet to paying the bills. It’s all me.
I’m tired and broke and mentally burned out with trying to do perfectly normal stuff. That’s what gets me. It’s nothing above and beyond. It’s just…normal stuff. I don’t have a shopping addiction and I’m not planning for a trip to Europe and I didn’t over-buy on a major purchase and have a giant mortgage/car payment. It’s just normal day to day stuff.
Which actually adds to the stress-load. Cuz I’m always questing for something that will make it all magically be enough. What if I cut out this or that, but it’s all Avocado Toast, y’know? It’s all little stuff, easy to cut out but with basically no impact.
Okay, time to go back to work.
I’m going to take off work early today and try to get some painting done. I think this is too much house for me, but if I sell it now, I’ll lose money. I need to get the upstairs finished and the kitchen floor done, bare minimum, if I want to make money on the sale. I don’t know if I want to sell. but right now it’s just all too much. It’s all too much. I’m drowning and there’s no lifeguard.
